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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28730310">The Weight of His World</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopdeedoopdee/pseuds/Floopdeedoopdee'>Floopdeedoopdee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Chicago PD (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Jay Halstead Angst, Jay Halstead Whump</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:20:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,254</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28730310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopdeedoopdee/pseuds/Floopdeedoopdee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just one of those things, those terrible things that happen with no rhyme or reason. He didn't make a mistake and he wasn't reckless, but it might cost him his badge. It was sad and it was a tragedy and it might cost him his life or at the very least, a part of his soul. </p><p>A Jay Halstead whump story. Whumpy whump with a side of angsty whump and a dash (barely) of Upstead.</p><p>*Complete*</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jay Halstead &amp; Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead &amp; Hank Voight</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Weight of His World</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Howdy!  Some interim whump before my muse goes back to TOTDC.  I hope you enjoy!</p><p>There’s kind of graphic beat down in this story, but it’s where the yummy is.  If you want to skip it, stop reading at 7:14 pm and start again at 8:55 pm</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>5:00 pm</b>
</p><p> </p><p>They all, minus Voight, walk silently into the bullpen and move to their desks.Jay heads to the locker room, his silence more profound, heavier.</p><p>Their quiet conversations halt when twenty minutes later, Jay slides onto his chair in silence, like he doesn’t want to give away his presence.He’s changed his clothes, his arms are red, scrubbed raw trying to remove evidence of, in his eyes, his latest sin. He rubs his face then slumps over putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, willing the tears not to fall.A heavy sigh escapes. He wants to go home.Wants to be alone.Wants to drink himself into oblivion and forget for just one night, before he packs the weight of this on his back, to be carried with all the others.He can feel their eyes on him but doesn’t want to look up, afraid of what he’ll see.</p><p>The gate buzzes and Voight stomps up the stairs.The bust went sideways, then he got cornered by the Alderman at the scene, so they are expecting him to do the norm, go in his office and slam the door.What he does instead brings them all to their feet.He grabs his most seasoned detective by the collar and slams him into the wall.The force of it pushes the air out of Jay’s lungs and he winces when the back of his head makes contact with the wall.</p><p>“When I tell you to do something you do it. No questions asked. Lives are on the line. Their lives are on the line, he swings his arm across the bullpen encompassing the entire team. It’s my job to protect you. To make sure you all go home at the end of the day. But you don’t listen.”</p><p>He lets go of Jay’s shirt and jams a finger into his chest. “You don’t listen and now a little girl is dead.”</p><p>That takes the team by surprise and they all react loudly, but Hailey’s voice cuts through the din.</p><p>She takes an aggressive step forward, “WHAT?!”</p><p>He was way out of line. It was a freak accident. Jay didn’t do anything wrong. Any one of them would have done the exact same thing if they had gotten there first. </p><p>Jay stood still as a statue, letting Voight’s words cut him apart. Much deserved he thought. Voight was right, a little girl was dead because of him. </p><p>Voight turns to the bullpen and glares at everyone before turning back to Halstead.</p><p>“I wanna know what makes you think you can disregard my orders and not wait for backup…and then…” He jabs his finger into Jay’s chest again.…”and then you charge in, your recklessness kills a girl and then puts your team in the crossfire.”</p><p>“Whoa. Sarge. He didn’t have a choice.There were civilians.That’s not…”</p><p>“Am I talking to you Atwater? … …No. I didn’t think so!”</p><p>“So tell me. What were you thinking?”</p><p>Jay barely opens his mouth and Voight takes back his question, “You know what?Never mind. I don’t want to hear your excuses and justifications.”</p><p>There was no stopping Voight’s rampage, their only option was damage control when he was done.</p><p>“You’re suspended without pay.”He puts his hand out,“Gun and badge, now.”</p><p>“Sarge! What the hell?”</p><p>“Boss!”</p><p>“I’m not going to ask again Halstead.”</p><p>Jay is stunned. He doesn’t know what to say, but he knows Voight is right.There is no justification, he doesn’t have an excuse, and Voight is taking his badge. It’s really the only thing he has right now.The pain of that cuts his heart.Almost as deeply as the little girl. </p><p>He moves slowly to remove his badge and gun. Hoping that if he moves slow enough Voight will realize his mistake (?) and let him keep them. But instead all he gets is a cold look from Voight, daring Jay to defy him.He doesn’t and hands them over, still not able to move from the wall where Voight pushed him. </p><p>Time seems to stand still, all wondering what would happen next in this fucked up situation.The silence could be cut with a knife.It’s Voight who’s first to speak but he cuts the silence with a machete, ”What are you still doing here?This area is for police officers only.”</p><p>Whoa. That got all of them. Voight was pushing it too far. Whatever was going on Voight was taking it out on Jay, who did absolutely nothing wrong.</p><p>“SARGE!He..."</p><p>“If I want your opinion Burgess I’ll ask for it.”</p><p>Voight looks back at Jay, daring him to say anything or continue to stand there.</p><p>Jay gets the message loud and clear.He takes a few steps to the side then turns and walks down the back steps.</p><p>Everyone else is stunned.Still toying with the idea of saying something to Voight but with a final glare and a slam of his office door they know they’ve missed their chance.<em>What the fuck was that!?</em> Hailey grabs her coat to go after Jay, when Voight steps back out of his office and puts a stop to anyone following Jay.</p><p>“Sit down Upton.No one is leaving the room.You wanna to talk to Halstead?Do it on your own time, you’re still on the clock.This is a high profile case. Right now I want you working on your reports.When they’re done you can leave.”</p><p>He looks at the room and all he sees is anger, disbelief, and from Hailey, defiance.He can’t be concerned with that right now and adds a parting shot before going back into his office,“Any of you want to disregard my orders, leave your badge on the way out.”</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>Jay walks down the back stairs and exits through the roll up. He leans against the brick wall trying to figure out what the hell just happened but his brain isn’t working. He stares into the gray sky for awhile, not sure what to do.His brain finally turns back on and he finds himself wondering if it will snow. Then wonders why he wondered that. Who cares, a little girl was dead.</p><p>He watches his breath blend with the gray around him and realizes he left everything upstairs.Coat, keys, phone, <em>badge, gun</em>. Shit. He couldn’t go back and get them. If he had his phone he could see if one of the guys could grab them for him. He’s not sure if they would. He thought they were coming to his defense but then it stopped.Either they didn’t want to go against Voight or they believed what he was saying.<em>Hebelieved what Voight was saying, it wouldn’t be a stretch for them to believe it also. </em></p><p>He jams his hands in his pockets. Too cold to be wearing a t-shirt, too cold to be walking without a coat but that was pretty much his only choice. Voight already took his badge.He’ll be damned if he’d let him have his pride by slinking up the steps to get his stuff. He’ll have Will bring him back tonight to get everything. So with that thought, he pushes off the wall to hoof it the eight blocks to Med, hoping Will was working.</p><p>He made it six blocks when he heard the cock of the gun to his left. He didn’t even hear them. <em>Shit.</em></p><p>“Detective Halstead. Get in the car.”</p><p>He froze, mind scrambling for a way out.</p><p>“Get in the car now or get in the car in a minute, minus a knee cap. Your choice.”</p><p>By this time one of the other guys got out of the car and held the door open for him. Jay had no choice. He got in the backseat.Never taking his eyes off the thug standing by the door.As soon as he was in he slid to the middle, the other guy slid in after him.He didn’t need to ask who they were or what they wanted. The guy riding shotgun was Terence Edwards and Jay had just killed his daughter.The others were more than likely members of his crew. The ‘what they wanted,’ was him dead, but he had a feeling it would take a while to get there and it would be a painful trip. That was his last thought before something hard made contact with his head and he was out.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>
  <b>6:07 pm</b>
</p><p>Voight jerks his door open, “Let’s go we got a case.”</p><p>Voight gives them the address.15 minutes later, they all pull up to a warehouse and get out of cars.</p><p>“Boss…”</p><p>Voight doesn’t say anything, just enters the building, expecting his unit to follow him.They exchange looks and do what their boss expects of them.</p><p>Once they’re inside, they all wait for Voight to fill them in but he is silent, pacing and looking more and more like a ticking time bomb.They have never seen him angrier than he is right now.There’s obviously no case but they aren’t sure why they are here.</p><p>Finally he rounds on them and they brace for the onslaught, “We’ve got a problem.”</p><p>“Boss what you did to Jay…"</p><p>“Not now Hailey!Listen to me all of you…”</p><p>He jams his fists in his pocket.“Alderman Price was at the scene. What went down was in his district and for lack of a better word, he wants blood.Jay’s to be exact.And he’s not going to back down.I took Jay’s badge for now, while we figure out what we can do.”</p><p>“So what you are saying is, all of that back there was bullshit?”</p><p>Voight violently rubs his face.His non-answer is the answer.</p><p>“Christ boss, why couldn’t you just tell him that instead of going off on him?”</p><p>“Price bugged my office.There’s also a bug at the top of the stairs, under the rail.We had a meeting yesterday.I found them this morning but left them for now.I needed him to believe we’re on the same page, had to make it believable.He’s got a lot of pull at the Ivory Tower and I needed to keep him from getting them involved.” </p><p>He rubs his face.“All of that was bullshit. I hate that I had to do it.I hate that I wasn’t able to clear it up right away.Jay didn’t take his phone.So we won’t be able to tell him the plan yet. His truck’s still in the parking lot. I have a feeling he walked to med, it’s close.</p><p>“Hailey, I need you to swing by there, pick him up, bring him to my house and have him wait there. We’ll work this out.Everything stays in-house. We gotta get ahead of this.We only have a day or two before he’ll check to see if I filed the paperwork.The rest of you, back to the district, we need to track down the pricks that got away.”</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>
  <b>BEFORE2:55 pm The Bust</b>
</p><p>It was a shit show right off the bat. The buyers of the stolen guns had itchy trigger fingers and started shooting right away.Terence, the evil son of a bitch that he was, brought his daughter to the buy.In the melee, Jay shot one of Terence’s guys.The bullet went through him, through the car window and into the little girl, killing her instantly.In the chaos, their car useless with flat tires, Terence and the rest of his crew ran, chased by half of Intelligence and the uni’s backing them up.None of them had noticed the little girl until Jay went to check on the guy he shot.He stood up after feeling for a pulse and immediately saw the little girl.</p><p>"No, no no no no!”</p><p>He ran to the other side of the car and rips the door open, frantically feeling for a pulse and ignoring the fact that he can’t find one. He drops to his knees, pulls her out of the car and cradles her lifeless body in his arms.He continues his never ending stream of ‘noes’ while his hand drifts from her face to her heart and finally rests on the seeping bullet wound in her head.</p><p>That’s where Hailey found him, sitting back on his heels, willing the girl to live, trying to keep the blood in her body and therefore her soul.It was a lost cause, but he couldn’t accept that yet.</p><p>“SOMEBODY CALL A BUS!”</p><p>Her heart breaks for her partner.It was a fluke accident.No fault of his or anyone’s, except the asshole who brought a little girl, three or four years old, to a gun buy.</p><p>“Jay…she’s gone.Come on.Put her down. It’s okay..”</p><p>She tries to take the little one from him but he holds on tighter.Voight and Kevin come running, thinking that it’s Jay who’s hurt, since the rest of the unit are now locking down the scene.</p><p>Voight has an ‘if looks could kill’ expression on his face as he stares at Jay and the little girl.<em>Who in the hell brings a child into a buy!</em> His heart goes out to the JayThey were going to have a hard time convincing him it wasn’t his fault.</p><p>Jay finally takes his eyes off the little girl and looks at the three of them, his voice is thick with emotion, “My bullet…it…the bullet went through Jackson…into the car, into…”  He looks down at her body again, but not before seeing the anger on Voight’s face that he mistakenly thinks is for him.</p><p>Kevin touches Jay’s shoulder then crouches down in front him.“Come on bro.Let her go…”</p><p>He reaches out his hands to take her and finally Jay releases her.Jay takes one more look at her, then walks to the fringe of the scene.Soaked in her blood, his body feels heavier. In his mind he’s weighed down with the blood of everyone he’s ever killed, everyone he’s been unable to save.</p><p>Hailey starts to walk over to her partner, but Voight stops her.</p><p>“Give him a minute. Work the scene.”</p><p>She doesn’t want to follow that order, doesn’t agree with it.She needs to be by her partner.But when she looks at Jay, covered in blood; hands, arms, t-shirt, jeans; the smear on his jaw that’s already drying, she knows he wouldn’t even know she was there.She sees the stiffness in his stance, and knows he is somewhere else.She would give him his space for right now, then she was going to her partner even if she had to shoot Voight to get there.</p><p>51 pulls up and the first thing Sylvie sees is Jay covered blood.She grabs her bag and starts to run to him but Hailey calls her over.</p><p>“Sylvie.Over here.”</p><p>The paramedic seems unsure for a moment, then sees the little girl laying on the ground and runs over.Immediately she can see that her services aren’t needed.</p><p>“Anyone else hurt?Jay?”</p><p>“It’s her blood.He’s not hurt.”</p><p>She looks at her partner again, if only that were true.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>
  <b>7:19 pm</b>
</p><p>Hailey comes bounding up the steps and into the bullpen, remembers the bug, stares at Voight a moment before turning around and going back down to the roll-up.</p><p>Voight grabs his jacket, clips on his gun and addresses the rest of the team before following Hailey, “Keep working.We’ll touch base.”</p><p>Hailey is pacing in circles when he gets downstairs, “Jay never showed up at med. I drove the two most likely routes and didn’t see him.He’s not at his apartment either.”</p><p>Neither want to say it but they’re both thinking it.Terence grabbed up Jay and he was living on borrowed time.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>She stares out the window, peering into the dark nooks and crannies that have escaped the lights of Chicago.They’re on their way to see Voight’s CI Maurice.She hopes to god he has answers.She’s never been this worried in her life.</p><p>She doesn’t look at Voight, can’t look at Voight.She understands the reasoning for what he did but not the execution. </p><p>She talks at the window, “I’m afraid he’ll give up.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“He already blamed himself.There was nothing he could do…he did nothing wrong, but he clearly blamed himself…”She pauses a moment to regain her composure, she can’t stop thinking about her partner covered in blood.She wants to lash out at her boss but reins it in a little, “He said nothing on the way back to the district, nothing.He didn’t take his eyes off his hands, they were covered in that little girls blood.”</p><p>She blows out an angry breath, “He was barely keeping it together before your…whatever the fuck that was.”</p><p>Voight chews on his lip and stays quiet.He was supposed to be able to fix it right away.He didn’t have time to warn Jay what he was going to do after his phone calls to him went unanswered.And now the gang has moved on Jay before he and the Alderman could work something out, come to an agreement.Whether the Alderman knew that they were going to roll on Jay was up in the air.</p><p>“I didn’t like it, but I had to do it.He was going to bury him.”</p><p>“Jay or the Unit.”</p><p>“Jay…but the unit…probably.”</p><p>She looks out the window again.</p><p>“You took his badge Voight.Right now Jay believes you, hell probably all of us, blame him for what happened…that’s what he’s sitting in right now…if he’s still alive.”</p><p>Voight can’t respond to that.What can he say?He knows what she’s saying.Jay has Will, but it’s the job that moves him forward.The job that keeps him out of his head, out of Afghanistan.For whatever reason, that kid feels like he has to make up for something…or at least that was Al’s belief. The job is what gives Jay purpose, and he just took that away from him.</p><p>
  <b>9:02 pm</b>
</p><p>Since Maurice wasn’t answering his phone, they go to the two most likely places he would be and he’s at neither and no one can tell them where he is.So they’re sitting right outside of Terence’s territory.He and six of his crew, the six that were at the buy today that aren’t dead, are in the wind.Voight’s got the rest of the team and even Trudy checking with their CI’s.Someone has to know something.A cop gets snatched, that’s going to get around.</p><p>He grabs up his phone before it even finishes buzzing, “Voight.”</p><p>“You lose something.”</p><p>He looks at Hailey, “You find something?”</p><p>“I did.Got a tip from the Dragons.Brook’s Field.I’ll wait for you.”</p><p>“Be there in ten.”</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>
  <b>7:14 pm</b>
</p><p>He had just started to come to when he was dragged out of the car and tossed on the ground.They were in the dirt parking area of an abandoned warehouse.The lights of the city were behind Terence.The were on the outskirts of the city. </p><p>A kick to the ribs left him gasping for air.He curled on his side, expecting more blows, instead two of them grabbed his arms and pulled him to his feet.He was still trying to catch his breath and the accidental wince didn’t go unnoticed by Terence, given his laugh.He could feel the blood trickling down the side of his head and neck.It was the first of his blood spilled tonight, it wouldn’t be the last.He looked at the group.Seven against one.Not good odds. </p><p>Terrence got in his face “you killed my daughter, pig, and for that you’re going to pay and then you’re going to die.“</p><p>The first blow landed whipping his head to the left.</p><p>Terrence was in his face again,“That was for my daughter. And these, are for every day that I won’t have her with me.”</p><p>Terrence threw two blows to his torso and before he could stop himself, slightly out of breath but still cocky, he interrupted, “To your other buys?You don’t have a babysi…”</p><p>Terence released a barrage of punches to his body then to his face. When he tired, the little girls uncle stepped in, and he also lodged a barrage of hits, then told them to let him go.Again he found himself on the ground in a cloud of dirt.</p><p>He groaned, then coughed a few times, “What asshole brings a little kid to a gun buy?”He sucked in a breath, then looked up at Terrence as he struggled to get to his hands and knees, “Oh ya, you.”</p><p>Terrance grabbed him by the front of his shirt, practically pulling him to his feet before he spit in his face, then followed it with a punch that sent him to the ground hard.That was everyone else’s cue. </p><p>The kicks started and his air escapes in sharp pain filled breaths.He barely gasps in a breath before another kick lands and takes it.A couple of times he almost found his feet but a blow to his head or in one case, a painful kick to his chest had him flat on his back again.</p><p>The kicks to his stomach, ribs, and chest steal his air, the kicks to his back give them what they want, grunts of pain.He tried to get to his knees again, blood dripping from a split lip and bloody nose, but a kick to his ribs sent him sprawling into the dirt.The expelled air from the kick comes out in coughs into the dirt, followed by wheezing inhales, his body desperate for oxygen.</p><p>The group beat down, meted out enough punishment for pain, but not enough to kill him.They had all night, they wanted to make it last.A small part of him thought he should just stay down.They were enjoying his struggle to get up, to fight back, a little too much.He might deserve it but it wasn’t his nature to just lay down and take it.</p><p>They were now at the sporadic punches and kicks part of the program, filling in the areas on his body that didn’t already have bruises while they caught their breath and in the process, unwittingly gave him a chance to catch his.</p><p>He didn’t lose consciousness but wished for it, because at one point, everything Voight said came flooding in and it hurt.He supposed it was fitting that the little time he had left in this world would be spent in guilt and physical pain, no easy death. </p><p>He couldn’t say whether he deserved it or not, probably did, but it <em>was</em> fitting.He just wished he could have said goodbye to Will, to Hailey.He had so many things he wanted to say to her.Now that was a fitting punishment.All the things left unsaid, he gets to think about now.</p><p>“Get him up.”</p><p>Two of them grabbed his arms again and hauled him to his feet.They held most of his weight, if they let go he would find himself face down in the dirt.</p><p>He winced as he tried to take a breath, finding it almost impossible due to the pain. </p><p>Terence was in his face again, spewing his hate.He wanted to agree with him and wondered what kind of reaction it would get if he said, ‘ya you’re right.’ But even if he was bold enough to do that, he wouldn’t be able to speak through the pain.</p><p>When his head sagged to his chest, Terence grabbed his hair and pulled his head back so they were face to face.He sucked in a breath but didn’t say anything this time, couldn’t, just winced and looked Terence in the eye as he delivered another blow to his aching ribs.He couldn’t help crying out from the force of the blow.They all enjoyed that.</p><p>They dropped him then.He landed hard on his back and tried to curl himself onto his side.It took a few tries but he eventually succeeded.He braced himself for more blows but none came and he felt himself slip into darkness.</p><p>He woke up later to them drinking beers, laughing and talking.They surrounded him like they were standing around a bonfire shooting the shit.But in reality they were taking a breather before they started again.</p><p>When they did, it was with the beer bottles or partially full cans of beer thrown at his body.One bottle broke against his head before he could get an arm up to cover it, stunning him and almost sending him to oblivion again, but he had no such luck. The punishment for this particular sin would be long and painful and he would be awake for it.</p><p>He wasn’t sure if it was confusion or if he was just a glutton for punishment but he still tried to get up.They let him struggle to his knees, then knocked him back down with another blow. </p><p>Once they even let him get as far as sitting ass to heels, before a sloppy roundhouse kick flung him to the ground and back unconscious. </p><p>They let him lay there, sprawled out and bleeding for awhile, drinking their beer and gossiping.As soon as they see him start to stir, the haul him up again and start over.You could almost say he was content, since it was really his only choice, to let them beat the guilt out of him. They had a long way to go.</p><p>There’s a constant ringing in his ears and everything sounds muffled.He only feels all encompassing pain.Particularly painful blows, the ones that land on already damaged ribs, cause him to cry out but even that is weak. </p><p>But yet he still tries to get up, get to his knees, which is the highlight of their entertainment, his struggle.They taunt, encourage him, only to put him on his back again and again.He should give in, but he can’t.</p><p>He tries to get up again but his arms shake and finally give out.As he fell back to the earth, he jarred his cracked ribs, sending him to the <em>brink</em> of unconsciousness, but because he was undeserving of relief he teetered on the edge and continued to feel the pain.</p><p>Terence jars his body a moment later, flopping him around like a dishrag, as he jerks his t-shirt over his head.He stands above him, taking in their handiwork.His body is mottled with bruises and red patches that soon enough will be black.His face, chest, and arms covered with cuts.</p><p>He’s dirty, laying on ground littered with broken glass, bottles and cans.There are patches of mud; the dirt he’s sprawled on mixed with beer, blood, spit and drool from when he was too weak to spit out the blood any more. </p><p>His face is a bloody mess.Both lips are split, one black eye and another on the way, a gash splits his eyebrow, his chin and jaw scraped and bruised, and he’s got blood coming from both ears.</p><p>He’s laying on his side again, one arm bent slightly behind him.One of the guys pulls on it, forcing the shoulder out of joint.That elicits a scream from the him and high fives all around for his abusers.</p><p>They watch him try and breathe through the pain, breath coming out in short pants.His eyes are scrunched shut as he winces at the heightened pain reverberating through his body.</p><p>Unable to hold himself on his side, he rolls onto his back, listening to their muffled voices in surround sound. They drink their beers and let him lay there, trembling on the cold ground.As soon as he is on his back, his injured arm slides from where it rested against his stomach and flopped to the dirt, ripping another scream from his lips.</p><p>They sit on the hoods of their cars, laughing at his pain, taking a break and drinking more beer.He’s pulling shuddering breaths into his lungs when Terence looms over him, stomps a boot onto his hip and draws a grunt of pain from him.He dumps beer onto his face, washing away the blood but leaving him sputtering for breath.</p><p>He was at a point where one pain ran into another. His body a puzzle and all of the pieces of pain were in place. There wasn’t an area on his body that was free of it. They were thorough in their technique.Perfected in years of bouncing members into the gang and bouncing rival’s out of a heartbeat.</p><p>He notices that no one talks about why they’re here.The little girl was mentioned briefly when this all started; this, his punishment for killing her, but she hasn’t been mentioned again.There is no more anger.It seems this has become less about revenge and more about fun.He wants to know her name but knows he can’t ask.Maybe he doesn’t deserve to know.</p><p>It makes him wonder if she’s already forgotten.Not just now but when they’re done with him.When <em>he</em> is dead and forgotten. Will they mourn the little girl or was she just a burden.Was her death just an excuse to kill a cop.</p><p>He closes his eyes and tries to picture her without the blood and bullet hole but it’s impossible, that’s all he can see when he thinks of her, it’s his penance.Tears leak from his eyes, not because of the physical pain.They are tears for her, for what he did to her.It’s harder to draw breath now, with the pain, and he can’t find it in himself to care.</p><p>He is yanked out of his morbid thoughts when someone stomps on his shin, breaking a bone.His reaction doesn’t fit the pain, a gasp, back arching mere inches off the ground and a hand twitching in that direction.A delayed groan is barely heard moments later.Between that and his shallow, wheezing breaths, they seem to realize they have gone as far as they can with him.His torturers swam above him as the pain coursed through his body until, for a sweet moment, unconsciousness claimed him.</p><p>Somewhere along the line they had decided to save a bullet and leave him there to die alone and in agony.That seemed fitting.They all, him included, seemed to be in agreement there.</p><p>They throw the last of their beer bottles at him.Some breaking, adding more cuts to his chest, back and face, some landing with a thud wherever it hit, most of the time somewhere on his body. </p><p>The cop in him recognizes their stupidity.They are leaving finger prints and DNA all over him.He might be dead but they’ll be in prison.As much as he deserves it, a part of him is glad for that.It might give Will some closure, Hailey, the team.</p><p>
  <strong>8:55 pm</strong>
</p><p>The cold of the ground, the chill in the air, has induced a constant tremble throughout his body, keeping his pain at a constant hum.Before they leave, adding insult to injury, a couple of them piss on him, adding more hilarity to their evening, but Jay can’t bring himself to care anymore.He just can’t bring himself to care. </p><p>He’s still conscious when they get in their cars, which seems to make them happy.He’ll be feeling the agony they’ve so graciously provided.If only he could pass out…or just die…he’s willing to give them what they wanted, what he deserved.He’s aware of gunshots but they do nothing to ease the pain.Resigned, he closes his eyes and ignores them so he can concentrate of dying.</p><p>
  <strong>9:04 pm</strong>
</p><p>A hand lands on his shoulder and he flinches, “Halstead!”</p><p>He thinks he hears his name but it’s distorted by the ringing in his ears.He feels a hand lightly touch his chest.It hurts and it’s comforting at the same time.</p><p>The kid’s body is trembling either from pain or the cold, probably both. </p><p>“Come on kid, look at me.”</p><p>His eyes flutter open and once his vision clears enough, he sees Maurice crouched beside him.He should be surprised but doesn’t have the energy.</p><p>“Maurice…” It comes out in a whisper and is punctuated with a wince.</p><p>“Hold on kid.Voight’s on the way.”</p><p>He doesn’t expect an answer, was surprised the kid recognized him or could even say his name, but from what he knew of Halstead, what he’d heard, he was a tough kid.</p><p>Cotton crouches on the other side of Jay, “He gunna live?”</p><p>“Don’t know.Probably.He wouldn’t wanna piss off Voight.”</p><p>Cotton huffs at that, “Ain’t that the truth.”He touches the kids wrist.“Pulse is good.”</p><p>“You in there kid?”</p><p>His eyes flutter again and his hand twitches but that’s all they get.</p><p>
  <strong>9:10 pm</strong>
</p><p>They arrive in a cloud of dust, the lights and sirens of an ambulance seconds behind them.Maurice is crouched down by Jay, one hand on his shoulder.One of Maurice’s lieutenants crouches on the other side of him.The bodies of Terence and his crew a few yards away, cars and bodies riddled with bullet holes from semi automatics.One car still runs, the other smoking from the engine destroyed by gunfire.</p><p>Hailey runs to Jay, Voight goes directly to Maurice when he stands and steps back from Jay.</p><p>“He’s alive.”</p><p>Voight shakes his hand and tips his chin to Maurice’s second.</p><p>They part company.Voight crouching down by Jay, Maurice and Cotton exit to the shadows of the warehouse where the rest of his crew waits, and before the area is lit up with the lights of the ambulance, they’re gone.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>Voight rode with Jay in the ambulance, desperate to correct what he had done to the kid.</p><p>“You with me Halstead.”</p><p>It takes him a moment to focus on his boss, but when he does, it brings everything that had transpired to the forefront, stabbed him in the heart and pushing his physical pain to the back burner if only for a brief moment.</p><p>He registered the barely perceptible nod from the kid and the despair in his eyes.</p><p>“Everything I said before, all of it, is not true.Nothing was your fault, the little girl, that wasn’t your fault kid.”</p><p>It takes it a second to register and a few slow blinks but when it does, confusion crosses Jay’s battered face, then pain, made evident by the wince and sharp inhale.</p><p>He could see the kid was fading but he needed him to understand.</p><p>“None of it was true.You are the heart of my team and you still have your badge. You aren’t going anywhere.”</p><p>The kid probably wouldn’t remember any of this but he’s prepared to say it as many times as it took to get him to believe it.</p><p>Slow blinks and winces were Jay’s only reaction to his explanation. </p><p>Voight lightly put his hand on Jay’s shoulder.</p><p>“I’ll explain everything when you wake up.We’ll be there.”</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>Jay’s in shock when they roll him in, the heart monitor’s alarm directing them to be afraid.A moment ago, Will was a freaked out, mess of a human, waiting for the ambulance to arrive.That flipped on a dime as soon as he heard that godawful tone.The brother side of Will went out the window and the doctor side took over, yelling out orders and making demands, as they pushed the gurney into Baghdad. </p><p>As soon as Marcel arrived and the symphony of Jay’s care was well on the way, the brother was back and the doctor side of Will disappeared.His little brother reeks of blood, piss and beer, that alone brought Will to tears, before he even knew the extent of his injuries.</p><p>As they work to get Jay stabilized, he wants to ask Voight what happened, but Voight is in his own world, his hand running soothingly over his barely conscious detective’s hair, while delivering an onslaught of desperate whispers in his ear. Jay doesn’t seem to be following what he says, he just watches all of them take care of him, confusion is evident, especially when it comes to Voight’s words.</p><p>Will realizes then, that a lot of Jay’s confusion is probably because he can’t hear what they’re all saying, not well at least.With perforated ear drums, his ears are probably ringing something fierce and everything else is going to sound like it’s coming through a pillow.Jay adds his own sad sounds to the cacophony in the room, grunts, hisses and soul splitting screams when they set his shoulder and again when they check his leg.</p><p>Jay doesn’t pass out from that uptick in pain, if anything he seems more alert.His confusion momentarily dissipates, “The little girl…”</p><p>All eyes snap to Jay, saddened by the despair in his voice and the tears that flood his eyes before spilling down his cheeks.Will sees Voight blanch, “Voight?”</p><p>He doesn’t answer Will, but they all hear his urgent response to Jay, “That wasn’t your fault kid.”Which adds to their confusion and increases their worry for Jay.<b></b></p><p>It’s when Hailey arrives that Will gets the rundown on his brother’s day.He isn’t the only one paying attention, everyone working on Jay is affected by what they are hearing and the answer to the question about the little girl.Marcel gives them a preliminary prognosis before they move Jay to radiology, he doesn’t think they’re looking at anything life threatening.Hailey, Voight and Will release held breaths and go join the rest of the team in the waiting room.</p><p>“How is he?”</p><p>“Marcel’s opinion, nothing life threatening. Their taking him for some tests.We’ll probably know in a couple of hours.”</p><p>They all watch Voight stalk over to the corner.They know he feels guilty so they leave him be and take their seats, hoping to receive good news soon.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>“He’ll be okay.The most significant injuries actually turned out not as serious as we assumed.Both lungs are bruised but not as badly as we had thought.He’s got quite a few cracked ribs, 3 broken but none of them displaced.Given the number contusions, that in and of itself is a miracle.</p><p>“He has a significant concussion but was able to respond to our questions.Both ear drums ruptured, they’ll heal on their own, no lasting damage.</p><p>“The break to his tibia, was clean and we were able to reduce his separated shoulder - the damage looks minimal, nothing that physical therapy can’t fix.Other than that, bruises, bruises and more bruises.”<b></b></p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>She had been thinking worse case scenario for the last three hours.So when she walked into Jay’s room and he had a cannula and not a ventilator, she felt like she herself, could breathe again.Jay not being in ICU should have sloughed off the worst of her fears, but none of them are really thinking clearly right now.</p><p>They were told he wouldn’t wake up until tomorrow.They had him pumped full of meds; morphine, antiemetics, antibiotics…something else…he would be asleep until tomorrow and he would be okay.</p><p>They had cleaned him up, the thought of those assholes pissing on him still made her see red but through tears.He smelled clean, hospital clean, antiseptic cleanser. His bed was at a 45% angle and his head was tilted a bit to the side.With all the dirt and blood removed, his injuries stood out.His face was littered with cuts.A couple of the larger ones, the ones with a few stitches were surrounded by the darkest of the bruises.Both eyes were black and both lips were split.She could just see cotton peaking out of both ears due to the ruptured ear drums.</p><p>She had seen his chest when they found him and again under the harsh lights of the ER, but the cuts and bruises looked worse now, against his pale skin.His arm is strapped to his chest and what she can see of his shoulder is a dark purple.Marcel said based on the angle, it was pulled out of joint.She can’t imagine the pain he felt.His ribs are heavily wrapped but she can still see pink peeking through in some areas where blood from some of the cuts is soaking through. </p><p>His leg is in a cast and propped up on pillows.The blanket has slid off his foot again.She feels his toes and they are cold.She covers his foot back up and makes a mental note to ask for one of those socks to keep his toes warm.</p><p>It was painful to see him this way.So injured, but he would heal.It was the invisible bruise that worried her.Voight had told her Jay had asked about the little girl in a moment of lucidity.That bruise on his soul would be harder to heal than those on his body, but they would help him.She knew the healing there would start with his conversation with Voight.</p><p>Voight had been devastated that he hadn’t been able to correct what he said to Jay, to fix it.She knew he had been trying from the moment they found Jay but it hadn’t sunk in - why Voight did what he did and what Voight truly believed, hadn’t registered with Jay.</p><p>She stood by his bed, running her hand through his hair, hoping it soothed him in some way.It soothed her.She glanced at Will sleeping uncomfortably in the corner and looked back at Jay.She kissed his forehead.To anyone else, that would probably look platonic. She knew differently and would tell him so when they were passed all of this and he could really hear her. She needed him to understand it was coming from a long term feeling in her heart and not a byproduct of what happened.</p><p>XXXXXXX<b></b></p><p>The next day, before he went to the hospital, Voight paid Alderman Price a visit.Since Terence is dead, and for what they know, all of his guys, Alderman Price backs off.</p><p>At first, Price acts like he’s doing Voight a favor.His demeanor changes when he sees the look in Voight’s eyes and feels the rage radiating off of him.</p><p>Voight stands in front of the man, saying nothing and that says everything very loud and very clear.Don’t fuck with me.Don’t fuck with my unit.</p><p>Voight takes a step forward and invades Price’s space.</p><p>“You left something in my office the other day.”</p><p>Price looks at what Voight is holding in his hand, then back to Voight, who takes another small step forward, until there is no doubt Price feels the heat of the unspoken threat… then dumps the bugs at his feet.</p><p>The confrontation ends with a friendly, “Alderman.”Message delivered, message heard.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>The following morning, Jay’s alone when Hank enters his room. He forgoes the ‘how ya doin kid?’ And goes right to the apology.He’s done it numerous times, explained why he said what he said, did what he did, but Jay wasn’t getting it through the fog of his concussion.Each time the kid would just look at him, despair in his eyes and not comprehending what he was saying.Jay was still locked in the guilt of what had happened and Voight had cemented his place there.</p><p>He stands close to the bed and lays a hand on Jay’s uninjured shoulder.“Everything I said to you was a lie. I didn’t mean a word of it. I hated to do it and thought I would be able to take it all back within the hour but Terence grabbed you up.”</p><p>Jay just looks at him in confusion. Well, wavering between hurt and confusion.</p><p>“Listen kid. Price showed up at the scene. He was out for blood. Yours. I had to temporarily give it to him until we could figure out how to handle him… and Terence.”</p><p>Some of the confusion fades from Jay’s face, and what he thinks might be relief takes its place.It’s only a rasp when he asks the question, “But why…"</p><p>“He bugged my office.If he hadn’t, we could have all worked it out right there.Figured it out, acted like I dropped the hammer instead of really dropping the hammer.</p><p>“But I want you to listen to me now. And listen good. Everything I said to you was a lie. But more than that, you are not to blame for that little girls death. It was a fluke. No one knew she was even there except her asshole father and his crew. THEY brought her to a buy. It’s sad and it’s tragic but you are not the cause of her death.”</p><p>“My bullet.”</p><p>“You hit a punk who was shooting at your team. It was not reckless, it was not rash or unnecessary. You protected civilians, protected your team.The end of this story should have been that ass laying dead on the sidewalk with a bullet in him and the team going home safe. The fact that the bullet went through his body, through a window...that’s not on you. The second that bullet hit Jackson, your role in it was over.</p><p>“You gotta believe me kid. That bullet should still be in Jackson’s body. You did nothing wrong.”</p><p>Jay sits quiet. A part of him knows Voight’s right, feels relief that he doesn’t blame him. A bigger part of him knows that a little girl is dead because of his bullet, accident or not. A life cut short by him. He couldn’t wrap his head around it...yet. He would probably get there at some point but he wasn’t there yet.</p><p>XXXXXXX</p><p>The little girl’s funeral is delayed.There’s no one to claim her, so Jay does.Knowing Jay as we all do, him claiming the little girl surprises no one.</p><p>It’s a small graveside service.Hailey and Voight are by his side. The rest of Intelligence, Platt, Will, who doesn’t take his eyes off his brother, and Sylvie are scattered in small groups around the grave.The pastor stands off to the side waiting for the signal to begin.</p><p>Hailey watches Jay, the cuts and bruises on his face not even close to being healed. She knows he hates being in a wheelchair but with a broken leg and an arm strapped to his side, he can’t use crutches.His ribs are wrapped and his body is one big bruise,but the pain meds he’s on will make the pain, his physical pain at least, manageable for an hour or so until she takes him back home. </p><p>This was something Jay had to do, something he fought everyone for, regardless of his physical condition.She didn’t like it, but she understood it.Voight didn’t like it, but he understood it more than anyone, and it was he who helped a struggling and stubborn Jay.Voight did the leg work while a pain riddled Jay arranged everything from his hospital bed.</p><p>Cars pull up nearby, doors open and close, and a few moments later, Maurice is standing beside him, along with two of his crew, a half a dozen others wait at their cars.</p><p>Jay turns his head slightly and nods, “Maurice.”</p><p>“Halstead. Figured it was you who claimed her.Beat me to it.”</p><p>Jay doesn’t respond.His focus inward, breathing through the physical pain, forcing himself to feel the emotional pain.</p><p>It’s quiet for a moment before Maurice continues, “Thought we’d come pay our respects to the little one.”</p><p>Maurice, for the murdering, drug dealing, banger he is, also has a soft spot for kids.As either a favor to Voight or of his own accord, he’s sure Maurice’s main reason for being there is to show anyone from Terence’s crew that still might be out there, might be lingering nearby, that it would be a bad idea to mess with him.He was under Maurice’s protection and going after the cop would be a big no no. </p><p>He gives Maurice a nod and turns his attention to the pastor when he starts to speak, the words are just white noise.His eyes are on the tiny pink casket.Pink was a good choice. The tears start when he thinks about the pink teddy bear tucked by her side.</p><p>He closes his eyes and imagines her face, not from that day, but from the picture Voight found for him, the picture that will go on her marker.She has different shades of pink ribbons in her hair that match the sparkly pink unicorn on her yellow t-shirt. Her smile is big.There’s a gap where she is missing a tooth and her eyes are lit with joy.Not for the first time, he wonders what she’s laughing about. He keeps that image in his head as opens his eyes.Britney. Her name was Britney Marie.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed!  Onward to finish TOTDC.  As always, thank you for the kudo's and reviews, they make my day!  You guys are awesome!  Stay safe!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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